I started writing this post in the morning of October 4. I was coming off a really rough day earlier that week, and it didn’t seem to be ending. I took a few weeks off to work on myself and get back on track. This weather is not kind to me. My pain level intensifies and goes up by quite a bit and I was overwhelmed and struggling to cope with the increase. It took nearly 3 weeks of daily work in my habit and CBT apps to feel like I was getting back on track. This weekend I felt like I was really beginning to get myself back on track. I knew I wasn’t doing well and I’m glad I chose to focus on myself. I was trying to recover from the beginning of the cool, damp weather that hit my body and mind like a ton of bricks and I am only feeling well enough to be getting back online and writing blog posts this past weekend.
I thought it fitting to write about my experience with something I call a “crash”.
Monday, September 30 was not a good day for me. Neither was the Monday after that (October 7) , the Friday after that (October 11) and my last crash last Monday (September 14).
On those days I had a "crash", and its name describes what it is to a tee. You literally crash and don’t have the emotional or physical bandwidth or energy to do anything. My pain is at a 10+ and my 5 senses are heightened and overwhelmed. Any movement or thought is too much for me to handle. When I crash, it's more than just feeling tired or burnt out; it's like my whole system – mind and body – just shuts down because the pain and distress I feel is just so overwhelming and my mind and body cannot process because of it. The pain I normally experience amplifies to an unbearable level, and daily goings ons becomes too much to handle. Sleeping and resting in silence is the only escape, the only way I know how to let the storm pass.
It's like I'm constantly running a race, pushing myself to keep up with the demands of life, but I don't always realize I'm sprinting until I slam headfirst into a wall. That's the crash – a jarring collision with my own limitations. My mind goes blank, my body screams in protest, and all I can do is lie down in the darkness and wait for the reboot.
This isn't just a "bad day" that everyone experiences. It's a complete system overload, where my capacity to process any sensory input, emotions, or thoughts completely evaporates. The pain takes over, and my brain can't focus on anything else. It needs quiet. It needs rest. It needs a complete shutdown to reset.
These crashes affect me on two levels:
Mentally:
Brain Fog Intensifies: It's not just a little difficulty concentrating; it's like trying to navigate through a dense fog where thoughts and memories become elusive and decision-making feels impossible. My mind shuts off and goes blank, unable to take in my surroundings. Processing even simple things are made more difficult, and I have to shut everything out. Noise, light, touch, I need to shut everything out. I can also only do or think about 1 thing at a time.
Emotional Rollercoaster: My mood swings become extreme, and I'm easily overwhelmed by deep sadness, racing anxiety, and gut-wrenching guilt as well as a sense of being completely depleted. I’m not really one to get angry, so my mood swings are not that, but going from high to low spirits drastically, or instantly anxious and hyperfocusing in that anxiety, and going from being able to go about my day, to not being able to go about anything.
Exhaustion to the Core: A bone-deep tiredness takes over, and even the smallest tasks feel like climbing a mountain. When I’m tired my brain doesn’t want to work and I have difficulties with doing multi-step tasks. I often lose focus and day dream, and my mind is almost over-tired. Ironically, this exhaustion often leads to...
Sleep Disruptions: Even though I'm desperate for sleep, falling asleep and staying asleep become a struggle. My mind races, my body is overwhelmed with pain, and restful sleep feels like a distant dream. In the silence of the night, if it’s a really bad night, I can feel and hear my legs throbbing, like a pulse or heartbeat from deep within the bone outward and my mind replays my medical and physical trauma.
Physically:
Overwhelming Fatigue: It's not just tiredness; it's a heavy, leaden fatigue that permeates every muscle and bone, my skin hurts more than it usually does, and is more sensitive. My energy reserves are completely drained.
Pain Amplification: My existing pain levels skyrocket, making even the slightest movement feel excruciating. It's like my body is punishing me for pushing it too far. I often have tears streaming down my face when I get to this point and I just want it to stop.
Physical Symptoms: I sweat a lot and have issues regulating my temperature, especially in my legs. My legs usually ache so bad it’s like they have a pulse, throbbing deep from the bone outward and when I’m having a bad pain day, I can’t keep warm, especially in my legs.
I know I'm not alone in this. Our modern world constantly pushes us to do more, be more, and achieve more, even when you are disabled or physically limited. We juggle work, family, social commitments, and personal aspirations, often sacrificing our well-being in the process. This chronic stress chips away at our mental and physical reserves until there's nothing left.
And here's the real kicker: I often don't realize I'm overdoing it until it's too late. It’s not like I am doing anything crazy, I’m just trying to live a normal life. I haven't mastered the art of listening to my body's subtle cues, and I end up not noticing them until they become a deafening roar, because sometimes they are so subtle, I don’t notice.. My body also goes into overdrive, flooding with stress hormones like cortisol, which ultimately contributes to the crash.
Prevention is key, but it's a constant learning process. I'm working on prioritizing self care by actively scheduling time for activities that nourish my mind and body. I try to eat healthy meals, I exercise and go for walks regularly, I use relaxation techniques like meditation, mindful drawing or something creative, or a mindful cooldown in Apple Fitness Plus. I’m working on prioritizing sleep and being more strict with my evening and bedtime routines. I’m also learning to pay closer attention to my body’s subtle signals and respect what they are telling me. If I feel that familiar twinge of fatigue or a creeping sense of overwhelm, it means I need to slow down and reassess.
When a crash hits, all I can do is surrender to it. This means I need complete rest. I need silence and to sleep. Being in that much pain is exhausting and overwhelming and the best thing I know how to do is sleep it off. It is so bad my brain will not process anything. It’s too overwhelming to even do simple things. I try and let go of any guilt I feel, or pressure I’m putting on myself to push through and allow myself the time to recover. This includes staying hydrated and taking all my medications.
It's tricky to pinpoint specific activities that universally cause crashes because everyone's triggers and thresholds are different. However, there are some common culprits that tend to push people, like myself, towards physical and emotional overload:
1. Overworking and Chronic Stress:
While I don’t have a job outside the home because of my chronic pain, I do have things that I work and focus on during the day that I think are somewhat like having a job. Working long hours on my projects and beyond my capacity, with little downtime to rest, can lead quickly to burnout and exhaustion. So can feeling stressed because of the pressure you or someone else is putting on you, like tight deadlines, constant demands and little control. They all contribute to chronic stress. Also, difficulty saying “no” and taking on too many responsibilities can lead to overwhelm and exhaustion.
2. Neglecting Self-Care:
When we are not doing well emotionally, we tend to not look after ourselves in the same way we would if we had better mental health. Chronic stress and pain make it harder to sleep, and when you get insufficient sleep or irregular sleep patterns, it disrupts the body’s natural recovery processes. We also don’t eat as well, often snacking on junk food or take out meals. Exercising also usually falls by the wayside. Physical activity is crucial for stress management and overall wellbeing. Neglecting it can contribute to both physical and mental fatigue.
3. Social Overload:
I need a lot of downtime and quiet in my day, or I don’t do well. When I’m having to have constant social interaction, even in enjoyable settings, it is draining. This can cause conflicts, strained relationships, and emotional baggage that can take a toll on physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. A big one is also social media, with the constant stream of information and comparison on social media can contribute to anxiety and low self esteem.
4. Sensory Overload:
In bigger cities it’s also noisy during the day. Most days all day there are noises being made. Exposure to loud or persistent noise can be overwhelming, especially for those of us with sensory sensitivities. Bright or flickering lights can trigger headaches and fatigue and crowded spaces and chaotic environments can feel overstimulating and lead to anxiety and panic.
5. Pushing Through Physical Limits:
Overdoing it and engaging in physical activity beyond your current capacity can lead to muscle strain, fatigue and pain flare ups. Ignoring your pain and trying to push through can exacerbate existing chronic pain and lead to further injury, and not allowing for enough rest will cause your burn out to impact you more.
It's important to remember that these are just common examples. The specific activities that trigger crashes vary from person to person. Paying attention to your own body and recognizing your personal limits is crucial for preventing overload and maintaining well-being.
Crashes are a harsh reminder of my limitations, but they're also an opportunity to learn and grow. By prioritizing my well-being and truly listening to my body, I can hopefully navigate my life in a way that I avoid hitting that wall quite so hard.
It's a constant balancing act, this life with chronic pain and the ever-present threat of the crash. But I'm learning, (you’d think I know by now!) to become more attuned to the whispers of my body and mind. I'm learning to respect my limitations, to prioritize self-care, and to give myself grace when I inevitably stumble.
These crashes, while debilitating, are also powerful teachers. They force me to slow down, to re-evaluate, and to remember that true strength lies not in pushing through pain, but in honoring my own needs. And perhaps, with each crash and each recovery, I'll become a little more adept at navigating this journey, finding a sustainable rhythm that allows me to live a fulfilling life, even with the challenges I face.
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